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Discussion Starter #1
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
LOOSE CHANGE: BUILDING BLOCKS
by Charlie Teljeur - The Hockey News

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Corporate sports sponsorships often make a lot of dollars, but often times not a lot of sense.

Take the Office Depot Center, home of the Florida Panthers. What exactly is it about southern Florida that makes you think of staples? Of course, in that regard, Los Angeles having the Staples Center really works. When they couldn’t get the Rhinoplasty Palace on the marquee, this was the next best thing.

And the RBC Center representing Raleigh, North Carolina? Isn’t that a bank? Wouldn’t Under My Mattress Savings & Loan Center be more applicable given the circumstances?

And what’s with all these buildings being named after banks anyway? I guess it helps in the foreclosure process, but when I hear TD Banknorth Garden I think it sounds like something from an old WW II flick (Victor Charlie Echo...commence bombing raid on TD Banknorth Garden, I repeat...).

Then, of course, there’s the march of the airline sponsors: Continental, American, United, and Air Canada. I figure, if you’re going to go this route, lets complete the chain and have every team covered. New York gets American, Boston gets United, Phoenix gets Southwest, Tampa gets Jet Blue and Columbus adopts Ed McMahon Airlines. Sounds about right.

Of course, sometimes they do get it right. You have to admire the cajones it took for St. Louis to be called The Save Us Center or Pittsburgh to have the Lemon Arena (even though it’s often times misspelled on the programs).

Nashville gets the Gaylord Entertainment Center? Thanks Brokeback Mountain.

And poor Edmonton. How do you go from being a Coliseum to a Center to a Place in fifteen years? Now, poor Oilers fans don’t even attempt to determine where they’re headed on game night. They just point and mumble, secure in the knowledge that they’re headed to biggest drug store in the world should the pain from that migraine become insurmountable.

Lastly, can I suggest the first name trade in hockey between Washington and Long Island? Not so much for getting Veterans Coliseum tied nicely to the storied nation’s capital but, if any team could do with being tied to a communications expert, it would have to be the Islanders.
 

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Tuesday, July 4, 2006
LOOSE CHANGE: EDMONTONVILLE
by Charlie Teljeur - The Hockey News

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Pity the Edmonton Oilers. Even in the revamped climate of the new NHL symphony they’re still stuck playing second fiddle to the bigger markets of North America. Being within one measly win of another Stanley Cup still isn’t proof enough for the elite players in the league to want to play their hockey in Edmonton? Perhaps an overhaul of the city is in order. What will take to convince the hockey world that the city is big time and should be treated as such?

First off, boost that sparse population base. On your best day you still can’t crack a million residents. Find a way to attract more immigrants. Not a couple, a whole mess of them. Make up a rumor about another gold rush. Offer free methadone at clinics. Tell people you’ve built a tunnel from Mexico to Los Angeles via St. Albert. Do anything to add that seventh digit to your road signs.

And while you’re at, lose those road signs. And close down some lanes on those ample highways on a regular basis. Come on, you claim to be big league yet you have less congestion than a Sinutab addict. People, we need ten car pileups and burned out vehicles and overturned lumber wagons. We need traffic delays of epic proportions. Why do you think Escalades have such big gas tanks?

And where’s your smog? You have oil refineries up the wazoo, yet you can still see the stars at night? What kind of city are you? If you don’t generate enough of your own smog, import some. Name one Stanley Cup champion in recent years that isn’t an asthmatic’s nightmare? If God didn’t want us to be indoors he wouldn’t have given us air conditioning. It’s in the Bible.

Would it also kill you to have the occasional crime spree as well? I don’t mean the old drunk and disorderlies or the petty criminal. I’m talking full-fledged crimes of passion, stuff with automatic weapons and unexplained explosions. If you can’t use the phrase “ticking time bomb” when describing your town, you need to work harder. Make it on Osama’s list and you’ll have a Cup within three years.

And finally, the shopping. You talk ad nauseum about the West Edmonton Mall. Big Deal. Malls are so Eddie Belfour. You need shopping districts. You need store fronts with armed guards. You need retailers that are discriminating, and selective. People who aren’t afraid to send the great unwashed back to Wal-Mart and who truly know the awesome power and intrinsic value of those who flash a Gold Card. Think about it: You were one PayLess Shoe Store from keeping Chris Pronger an Oiler for life.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
This is an article put out by Charlie Teljeur of "The Hockey News" every Tuesday and Thursday.

I posted a couple of articles below, to give you an idea of what it's all about, and if people like it, maybe I will make it a sticky, and add to it every week.

Post your comments and let me know what your thoughts are?
 
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