Toronto Maple Leafs Declare Themselves 2005 Stanley Cup Champions
Hey, a cup is a cup is a cup, right?
The Toronto Maple Leafs--our nation's favourite hockey team--have ended their 38-year championship drought by declaring themselves 2005 Stanley Cup champions.
Leafs' management made the unexpected pronouncement at a press conference called after the official cancellation of the National Hockey League's 2004-2005 season.
While it was assumed the coveted trophy would not be awarded this year, the Leafs' top brass see things differently.
"The Stanley Cup is not the property of the National Hockey League," Leafs General Manager John Ferguson Jr. accurately pointed out. "Thus, we feel that we were well within our rights to claim it. Who's gonna stop us? We're the Leafs!"
And, according to Ferguson, procuring the Cup was rather easy.
"The real Stanley Cup is at the Hockey Hall of Fame, just a couple of blocks away from my office," he explained. "So I just walked over there on my lunch break and asked the security guard if we could borrow the Cup for a while, and he said ?sure'. Sucker.
"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner."
"It was great walking down Yonge Street with the Cup and everyone honking their horns at me and cheering. It gave me goose bumps," continued Ferguson. "And it was so much easier than trying to win it the more traditional way, you know, on the...ice, with a team full of 55-year-old men."
But wouldn't it be more fulfilling to win the Stanley Cup the "more traditional" way?
"That's the old paradigm," barked Leafs coach Pat Quinn, who flew in from a six-month golf vacation in Antarctica to celebrate his first Stanley Cup championship. "You have to think outside the box to win championships today."
"I defy you to tell us that we're not the Stanley Cup champions," added a visibly agitated Ferguson. "Tell us that we're not. Look into my four-year old son's eyes and tell us that we're not the Stanley Cup champions. I dare you."
Upon hearing the news, jubilant Leaf fans immediately took to the streets of Toronto to celebrate their team's first cup since 1967.
"YEAH!" said Frank McFrank of Etobicoke, wearing a tinfoil Stanley Cup on his head as he strolled around Yonge Street in a drunken stupour. "I'm not goin' to work for a week!
"Season or no season, someone's gotta get the cup. The cup is ours! Lockout champions 2005! WOOHOO!!!"
Members of the Leafs will be gathering in Toronto for a public rally and parade, once they've all been notified about the Stanley Cup win.
A spokesperson from the NHL's head office in New York said the league is "examining the situation."
Wasn't this a article from 2 years ago? I think I remember reading it back then.
Yes, this is an old article made years ago.
__________________ "It's not the way it's going to be. We have to be very, very patient and build this the right way. We have to go through a process. It may be painful. I hope it isn't. But we're prepared for all the bumps and pratfalls and potholes in the road ahead. I'm prepared for it anyway, or I wouldn't have come." - Ron Wilson, Head Coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Not your fault really. It's more of the Leafs' fault.
Had they actually looked like a team that could compete for the Cup this year, it'd be a little funny (to me at least. I'm sure others will be falling off their chairs and be gasping for air as they chuckle themselves to a nice red tinge). However, yet again it looks like we're set up nicely for another disappointing season, and JFJ is back at the helm to lead the team into a... well... I don't know.
In short: Blame the Leafs.
__________________ "It's not the way it's going to be. We have to be very, very patient and build this the right way. We have to go through a process. It may be painful. I hope it isn't. But we're prepared for all the bumps and pratfalls and potholes in the road ahead. I'm prepared for it anyway, or I wouldn't have come." - Ron Wilson, Head Coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
When the Leafs will win the cup: never. I really wish people would stop getting their false hopes up on the Leafs. They suck and will never win. Period.
Leafs 2005 Stanley Cup Champions
Leafs 2005 Stanley Cup Champions
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